Monday, September 9, 2013

Let It Go

Today is Sadie Mae's diagnosis day.

It's been 3 years since the day we found out she had no kidneys, and would never live.

These 3 years have flown by; and boy how our lives changed since that day.

I always like to celebrate her diagnosis day.  I want her life to be celebrated.  And even though I look back and see a storm, clouded with many tears following the day of her diagnosis; I can now see the rainbow that God promised too.

I decided last minute to have a mini balloon release tonight, as a family, in her memory.  And to remind our kids (who never got to meet her) that they are here because of her.  And that she is still very much a part of our family.

All the kids released their balloons.  It was now my turn.

So soon?

I just want to keep mine.

Everyone was waiting on me.

And I could feel them waiting.

What would I do?

How would I react?

I didn't feel ready for the balloon release to be over.

It happened so fast.

I just wanted to enjoy it for a little while longer.

But, it was time.

As the balloon string slipped out of my hand, I found myself getting emotional.

It's been a while.

God whispered the words, "Let It Go" to me, just as He did when I had to let her go, over 2 years ago.

I felt  the sting of "forever" as I LET IT GO.

There was no getting the balloon back.

No matter how high I jumped, it was gone.

There was nothing I could do.

I felt myself wanting to turn back time.  I was now hesitant.  I wasn't ready to watch the balloon drift away.

"Come back!"  I felt myself screaming from the inside.

"I'm not ready!"

I want to enjoy your beauty for just a while longer.

I want to hold you, feel you in my hands.

But just like that, I let it go... and it was gone.

The balloon has drifted almost out of sight.

There is no turning back.  There is no getting it back.

Yes, of course, there will always be more balloons.  But not THIS ONE.

This was my balloon.

As I watched the balloon drift into the clouds, probably miles away now, the words "Let It Go" still ran through my head.

I tried to hold back a tear, but instead, I LET IT GO.

Just like I made the decision to LET HER GO.

And just like the balloon, she too was gone... just like that, so fast, so effortlessly, so painless, so beautifully.



Let It Go

Let It Go

Let it Go

Let it Go

Let it go

Let it go

let it go

let it go...









  1. Hannah, I love your writing. Very powerful. Praying for you!

  2. Wow, what a powerful post! Thank you for sharing your special moment and your true, raw emotions. Glad you are back in the "blog world".


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